Blogity, Blog, Blog, Blog

If you hadn't noticed, the posts have been infrequent, however that is about to change. When I first started this blog I was still unsure as to exactly what it was to be, and to evolve into. But I think that as far as subject matter goes, I will let my mind make it up as I go along, adding in tidbits here and there into my fantastic life as a Single Mother, and Pro Girl Guide Cookie Eater! Because that's how I roll. I have links to all the social media sites I belong to and a few that are not mine that I follow because of their genius, aside from my own.
A brief intro about who I am, starts with the fact that I am fairly newly divorced as of last summer. I am sure that at some point I may blog about it, but for now will keep the nasty bits private. Lets just say that I am still traumatized by it in some ways, but it has not broken me. What is has done however is make me stronger, smarter about my decisions, and very cautious of a certain category of the male species. I am not here to bash (too much) and wish everyone joy and the ability to fart rainbows out their asses. Mostly I have a positive spin on life, its hard not to with what I've been blessed with. A beautiful daughter, Super-step-son, and the love of the rest of my family is all I need. Now, I have never made it a secret about my Christianity and sometimes I may blog about that too, but rest assured that no one has to worry about me preaching too much.  Its is up to you and not me what your religion is, and what you believe in general is none of my business, so lets agree to disagree for the sake of society about our religious affiliations and all get along K? Fantastic! So, moving on I hope that for the future, this blog will be informative, funny, thought provoking, and always full of love. That work for you, cuz it works for me.. ok...go!!!

Writers Block, Another year Older, and Girl Guide Cookies

But not necessarily in that order as the cookies are at each step of the way here. That time of year again when my daughter brings home the cookies, and then the cookie case stares longingly at me to open it and the next thing that happens is as natural as rain, the box i just scarfed down is laughing at me because it knows tomorrow that i will have opened another one! HA on you lady it taunts me!! So I hid the case in the closet so I don't have to look at it and subsequently get the urge to go near it.
I turned 38 about a week ago, not too sure which feeling is stronger. The one to hide in bed and convalesce, or the one to say screw it and go out and get another tattoo. I know most would say, "hey, go with the tattoo" but the way i have been feeling lately I want to climb under the covers and stay there. Depression? I don't think so, I had that, done that, taken all the meds. It's probably just the fact that at this age I had always thought I would be in my forever career, in my dream home, happily married, with 3 or 4 kids. So my reality looks nothing like this at all obviously. I love my kids, my dog, my family. But dating sucks, renting sucks, and trying to find a job just sucks too so a whole lot of things suck right now, including the finances. I'm not down, I'm just ambivalent for the moment you could say. I know I'm not the only one. Come on who else out there can add to my list of sucks at this side of almost 40!
I am slowly starting to get out of my writers block again. It seams every 3 months I go through a good 3 or 4 weeks of nothing on the brain. Not sure if this means Alzheimer's in my future or maybe its just to much stress. Probably stress. Again a re-occuring theme in my life. Who needs it! I used to handle stress just fine up until the marriage fell apart, I guess that opens the flood gates to all the other emotions that can hamper you down whenever you try to accomplish something all for a worthy cause after the rough stuff is over. Well I got divorced but it won't get me, or rather get to me again if I can help it. Hopefully tonight I can get through it gracefully without  trying to sneak into the closet to grab another box of cookies. : /

Filling The Kid Void

I don't know about you, but when my daughter backs out of the drive way strapped into to the back seat of my Ex's van I get a little anxiety. Not because I am afraid something is gonna happen to her because as a parent I am always thinking that as any parent does. No, I am talking about that all too familiar fear of "what am I gonna do now?" I know I'm not the only one, although I have much practice now and have discerned what activities get me through the visitation weekend the best. Right now at this point in time it just so happens to be my book, which the inspiration for it couldn't have come at a better time. I've been filling my childless weekends with writing and editing and writing some more. During the week I try to write while my daughter is at school, and some days are better than others, but I find that school days are way more distracting especially when I get an idea and can't get to my computer or even a notepad in time to capture it. Unfortunately for my Blog and social media activities, I tend to be more infrequent with them when I am working on my book. So know now when I am not on twitter for a day  or even half a day, nothing has happened to me, and I am still very much alive, just working on what makes me happy. That is one example of what I am usually doing. Some of the others include getting caught up on the laundry or the house cleaning, and yes sometimes just sleep and nothing more. Whoever said that being a stay at  home mom was easy was high on something. I am a single mom with a very hyperactive and extroverted daughter, who in less than half a day can take hours of organizing and toy sorting  etc, etc, and make it  look like not only what it was before but worse. This makes for more house cleaning than I ever would have imagined than when I was single and kid free.  And even though it can be inconvenient and tiring, the rewards far outweigh anything else. Being a parent is work in many different ways, and even if given the chance to change it all I wouldn't because the hole left in my life and in my heart would devastate me. Right now at this time in my life I am not dating so unfortunately I cannot add that to the list of things I do to get through when my daughter is not here. Not because I don't want to, but because the right guy just hasn't come along. So I rely on my girlfriends, and I spend a lot of time with my parents especially because they won't always be around being that they are getting older and are now retired. I am not lonely completely, as my dog Nico (the best dog in the world) will reassure me. Now I look at the time and tad-da its that time again when my daughter bursts in the house and gives me one of the best hugs I ever had and now I can let go of that breath I've been holding the whole time she was gone. Now I am complete again. :)

No Turning Back!

So this week has got me evaluating the choices I have made in my life. Especially the decisions that have resulted  in life changing consequences whether they were good or bad. All this come about really because I have been going to a divorce support group at my church and it is bringing up all kinds of emotions and memories. What I have found and what I will say with the utmost conviction and honesty is that I know that I did everything that I could have done to try to save my marriage, and the fact that these attempts failed aren't my fault and that I can stop feeling guilty now. In fact I feel completely at peace now and know that the Lord tore me down so that he could build me back up into the strong christian woman I am today with loving and very supportive parents, friends and church community. The Lord says that we are created in his image, so it only makes sense that he would strip away the ugly shells that had formed over time, to once again reveal the light filled people we are supposed to be. Who in their right mind would want to go back to the former? Not this Woman! 

Tragedy of a Pop Star!!

I know I'm not the first to be totally not surprised by the death of Whitney Houston yesterday. Those afflicted  with substance abuse issues greatly reduce their chances for a long life, and by her decline over the past two years especially she was no exception. I know how hard substance abuse is, having experienced it first hand and watching several relatives and a few friends fall at the hands of alcohol and drugs. The most recent experience for me is one of  my Uncles who by all accounts was the most unlikely that I thought of in my family to ever have issues. But as we all know circumstances can change a person, and I know this in many forms over my life so far. Growing up he was one of the most cheerful and funny and well rounded people one could be growing up with an alcoholic father. His decline in recent years at the hand of mostly drugs saddens me to no end. A  few times he has gotten clean and it seemed that at one point that maybe he had it beat, but life likes to trip you up sometimes and now as far as I know is trying to get clean yet again after the most  recent relapse. It seems that sometimes no matter how much love and support you have to help you in the endeavour to rehabilitate, its just not in the cards. I truly pray for my uncle's sake that  this time he will be  able to keep his demons at bay, and I won't insert a "but" because I truly want to be in a positive mode when it comes to  him. I truly don't want to have to experience what could happen, or get the call that lets me know that his childen are now fatherless. We always want the best for these relatives who fight the goodfight to get well after each round they get knocked out by the  drug equivalent of Evander Holifield. So all I am going to do is pray that he stays well and that his children don't some day fall into the same category as Bobbi-Christina does. Pitied that they had a parent who couldn't do it for them, or for themselves, couldn't lock the  door and throw away the key too, have to be reminded everyday by some measure that a part of them was now cut out of them like a botched bypass surgery. I will pray because that  is all I really can do.

Social Media is my Boyfriend!

So it was early this morning as I was working on my blog and my Facebook page that I had a personal epiphany about my relationship with social media as a whole. It occurred to me that if I added up the hours spent Face booking  and Tweeting and  G+-ing and Youtubing etc,etc,etc, over the last 3 1/2  years I would come up with the equivalent of a 1 year relationship had I  actually been in one. Doesn't  it seem sometimes like social media is our partner, our boyfriend or girlfriend? I mean we talk to it, confess our sins, our  fears, our  hopes,  our  dreams, dream big, expect big things from it when we interact from it, hang on  its every word back to us, long for a  reply to a question, a problem,  a request? Sounds like a relationship to  me! And at this point in my life, that is about the only kind of relationship partner I really want right now. Anything or anyone else would just complicate things.

My Facebook Page!

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